Going rogue

Let me start by saying, there are lots and lots of books out there. Add to that, the great lactation consultants and doulas that you can hire to actually show you how to do the things in the book. To implement the EASY (Eat, Sleep, Activity, YOU) method, to show you how to properly use the 5 S's and most importantly, how to get your baby to latch onto the boob (its not as easy as we are led to believe.) And if that's not your style, you can also find Attachment Parenting (Dr Sears) helpers as well.  

All of these methods tell you what your baby should be doing at each stage, based on week, whats normal, etc. For example, babies go through growth spurts at 3, 6 and 12 weeks. In those times, they eat more, often up to every 2 hours or as one friend experienced, straight for 8 hours, giving her a 20 minute break once to pee. But I digress...my point of all this is that all of these great, well-researched, well-intentioned methods take one major point for granted. Age!

Miles is now 11 weeks old (and well over 8 lbs if you wanted to know) but according to the doctors, just one week corrected. He has been bottle feeding for over 7 weeks, breast feeding for 6 and on a feeding schedule, well since he was born. So why is this a problem you might ask? Well, he is a newborn now. He is fussier, a lot fussier, he wakes up more during the night, has longer periods of "quiet alertness" all of which means, we get much less rest. And in our despair, we look to the very books and consultants that should be able to help us.

And from the classes at Day One to the $250 visit from the expert lactation consultant to the books that line our shelves, it is ever more apparent that when it come to preemies, we are on our own. No one can quite answer the questions like, "so if a full term baby can start sleeping through the night at 4 weeks, what does that mean for Miles?", "Since his stomach is the same size as a full term baby, should he eat on demand now, even though he was on a schedule before?", "And if so, how do we put him on a schedule again?" and so on. 

So, we've gone rogue. We are making up our own rules, mixing up some Karp, some Weissbluth, Dr. Sears, the Baby Whisperer and the Nursing Mother's Companion book. We switch out the bottle and breast feeding, we sometimes let him cry, other times, he sleeps on my chest (if its the only way I can sleep), we offer the bottle after breast feeding and sometimes we don't, we keep him to a 3 hour feeding schedule unless he wakes up more often, we offer the Activity before the Eating (key element of EASY), taking it all a day at a time, watching and learning from our amazing son. 

In short, we rely on ourselves. But I'd be lying if it werent for a huge heap of advice from the mothers of preemies who've come before us.  Thanks to Amy, Jessica, my girls from the Pump Room, and Inspire Preemie message board.

And for the record, it seems to be working. We are just as tired, frustrated and elated as any other parents of a newborn. 

Finally - full term!

Well, I can stop saying, "he should still be in my belly." On Wednesday, Miles in fact, should have been born. Weighing in at 7 lbs, 10.5 ounces, he is just your average newborn, except that we have just had 10 extra weeks to get to know him. We celebrated with cake, champagne and a few close friends.

I thought when we left the NICU, we could just put this whole thing behind us. Miles was thankfully quite healthy and to us, he was just our new baby. Not so fast.  Forgive us for being defensive. I am tired of being told he is small. Comments like, "oh, what a peanut," or "look how tiny" are old. When you have seen your son weighing 3 pounds, he seems like a fricking  giant to you.

Life with a preemie is complicated. For starters, what do you say, when someone asks his age? Umm. "Well, he is two months old but he was born early so is still really small. But he is really healthy." How early was he born, they might ask? 30 weeks, wow, he is OK, right? Repeat this conversation with the guy in the park, the mom in the mothers group at Day One, etc. 

Then there is the realization that I will never, ever be just a normal mom. Start out with the ritualistic Mothers Group. Golden Gate Mothers Group creates groups of moms by birth mom, giving moms a wonderful outlet to share experiences as their children grow up. I'd heard about this from many friends and look forward to the new friendships I might make. But there is a hitch. Which month to join? The November group when Miles was actually born or the February group when he was supposed to arrive. Arrive at the November group with a baby that looks like a newborn and listen while mom's discuss issues of a 2 month old. Not a fit. Or go to a February group where mom's are still recovering from delivery and the first days at home. Say what you will, but we just don't fit in, even if the other women are wonderfully accepting. We and Miles started off on a very different path. 

Maybe that is why on his actual due date, I really look forward to going back to the NICU. Yes, you read that correctly, go back to the NICU, for a visit. There, he was oohed and aahed over, noted for his chubby red cheeks and large blue eyes.  Although they said, job well done, mama, it is the nurses and doctors there that we must thank for his health. And there in the NICU, our story is not exceptional, sad, traumatic, worrisome or any of that. It is just par for the course. Unremarkable, if you will. Absolutely normal.

In time, we will make peace with the outside world and his age. By two years, he will be caught up with other November babies and the whole experience will be a faded memory. But for now, when asked his age, we just smile and say, ten weeks. No explanation needed.