Day 6 - Miles is officially a Giants fan and other milestones

Miles had his second visitor today - Barry who blessed the child with his first Giants jersey. I had hoped for a Reds fan but I have to remember, he is a California boy. The blond hair already screams out, future surfer so on this too, I give up.

Today was the first day, I was a visitor to the hospital. When we walked in there at 11 am, I saw another new mom slowly walking out of the NICU in a pair of furry slippers and recognized myself just 2 days ago. We smiled at each other, an unspoken understanding. Miles continues to improve. His eating has increased to every 3 hours and 4 ml of breast milk. Finally, all of the pumping, is paying off!

He had a nicer nurse who was only too happy to have me hold him for a good 45 minutes. This time, his eyes were wide open checking me and Dave out and clearly enjoying the cuddling. When we came back later in the day, I held him again and again, he opened his eyes taking us in. By that time, his eating had improved enough that he was again increased to 5 ml per feeding. Dave and I were also more confident to take on his temperature and diaper changing. I hate to admit it but it was my first....I always said I was waiting for my own child and thankfully, a three pound baby doesnt poop that much.

Today, I also got my first experience in the "pump" room and was able to meet other moms. The first thing I learned is that there quite a bit of accessories for easy pumping. I'd already bought the handsfree bra that holds the bottles while you pump so you are free to read, do a crossword or work on the computer. Other women had the aprons that come in beautiful patterns that go over the bottles for ultimate privacy. Or you can just use the worn hospital gowns, over a regular nursing bra and hold the bottles in place. That would be me :)

Beyond the accessories, connecting to other mothers filled a huge hole. Everyone had a different story...how many babies, how many weeks, what caused labor, how much time we had before, how we were coping, but really everyone was so positive and open in sharing their babies situation, progress and state of mind. While I am still nervous about setbacks, I hold onto that 90%+ chance that everything will be just fine for Miles.

Day 5 - Rachel goes home

What should be a miraculous time in our lives is instead a rollercoaster of emotion. To those that have called, thank you. I appreciate all of the messages and flowers but sometimes it is too much to go through all of the updates each time. It scares me enough to talk to the doctors and to see Miles tied up to so many tubes, even though we are reassured, he is doing just fine.
Yesterday, like every other, had its highs and lows. The highs. Miles achieved a feeding. Through a tube but still, he processed it, all the way through to a poop. I also was able to hold him for the first time in what is called a "kangaroo" hold or skin to skin. After getting over the fear, I would break him, I was able to enjoy him and finally run my fingers through his blonde locks. And best of all, he was content, more so than under the lights of his incubator. I wonder if he regrets fighting to get out so much now! Takes after his mom!
The lows...the doctor came by when unfortunately Dave wasn't there and in between the successes told me that the head ultrasound showed blood on his little brain. Not uncommon but not good. Most likely it is a broken blood vessel from the trauma of being born and it will decrease. Just more to worry about. Sometimes I think the less I know, the better.

Today, four days after the C-section, I am finally able to go home with mixed feelings. As it is, I can walk (very slowly) the short distance from the post partum rooms to the NICU so early morning and late night visits to deliver breast milk are routine. Once I am home, it will be a drive and until I am recovered, I am dependent on Dave to come and go. Again, they let me hold him but only for 10-15 minutes and it made my day, although just watching him coo and kick his legs makes my heart melt.

Miles continues to hold steady though his weight has dropped to just under 3 lbs....all normal and his bilirubin levels (translation jaundice) still require him to be under the bright light. He is eating. The nurse showed us how to take his temperature and when we are ready to change his poopy diapers. Both Dave and I were disconcerted watching her manhandle him, almost too roughly, though she promised us he is not so very fragile. Still....

We are home now and getting used to the new commute. The baby room is being painted and Baker wanders around, clearly knowing his position in the family has changed.

Day 3 - Still in the hospital

Happy Thanksgiving. I am still at CPMC and getting used to my schedule here. I am now able to sometimes walk to the NICU to deliver my growing breast milk. Unable to hold or soothe him, this feels like the one thing I can do to nurture Miles.

I felt disconnected from any celebration after 7 days in the hospital. The outside world, including the attacks in Mumbai, feel completely removed from our new reality. My days are spent attempting pumping, waiting for Dave's visits, talking to family, receiving visits from the slew of lactation consultants, social workers, birth certificates and changing guard of nurses popping in to deliver drugs, check my incision and take my temperature and blood pressure and walking/taking the wheel chair the short distance to the NICU. My hormones are in full swing, reducing me to tears at a moments notice, usually after seeing Miles and feeling helpless in making him better.

Still, we are thankful for what we do have and that our son is as strong as he is for 30 weeks gestation. We celebrated with a steak dinner , courtesy of CPMC and for me, a half glass of wine (one small guilt-free benefit of no longer being pregnant).

Getting used to the NICU

By Wednesday, I passed the tests to remove the IV and catheter and finally, earned a trip in a wheel chair to see my little Miles. He'd gained quite a reputation already because of his head of blonde hair and his loud cries. Dave likes to think he has dark roots but I dont see it. His blue eyes were covered because he was in an incubator. But Miles had already passed a major hurdle. He was off the respirator and breathing on his own. Quite a feat for a baby of his gestational age.
His body is still covered in light blond hair which most babies lose by birth, giving him a fur like quality. Although he doesnt look as small as I expected from a preemie, his skin is loose, just waiting to be fattened up.
Lying under the bright light. he kicked his perfect feet constantly like he was still in my womb. I learned how to "contain" him but holding his head and feet tightly and was even allowed to give him a binky. We arent allowed to hold him yet, maybe in a few days.

The first day

No one really prepares you for having a baby in the NICU. And for two first time parents, we don't have any other reference point. While I was wheeled to a recovery room after a C-section, Dave followed doctors to the NICU. In between nurse visits to check my condition, Miles' doctors updated us on his condition. His breathing was labored. Not abnormal but a tube was needed. He lost blood, nearly 10% of his total supply. He needed a transfusion. And for each, we signed away our rights. And each time, I tried to sit up, hoping to be wheeled over to see my son, I nearly threw up (common side effect of the morphine). Dave took turns sitting by my side and then his and in between, a quick trip home to feed our first child, Baker.

How we got here - A recap

This blog will follow Miles' progress in the NICU at CPMC in San Francisco and is intended for our friends and family. We have been overwhelmed with the love and support from all of you since his birth on November 25. For those of you, we haven't been in touch with recently, here is a quick recap of how Miles came to be born at 29 weeks, 6 days gestation - over 10 weeks before his due date on February 4, 2009, after a nearly uneventful and easy two first trimesters.

It started on November 16 when I went into the hospital with some bleeding. Blame it on the hospital making you sick but I was diagnosed with contractions and low amniotic fluid and earned myself a night in the maternity ward. They released me the next day after shots of steroids to help develop the baby's lungs (just in case) and with a prescription for Nefadepine to stop contractions and instructions to stay on bedrest for a minimum of a week.

And for five days, Miles behaved. On Friday night, November 21, the contractions returned and this time were far from minor. I understood the need for drugs during labor though I wasnt ready for my own. Back to CPMC,this time it was much more serious. I had started dialating so was immediatley hooked up to an IV, wheeled on a gurney to the maternity ward and put on magnesium, a much stronger drug to stop contractions. And with side effects. I spent the night surrounding by ice and woke up the next morning, still contracting. The specialist put me on Indocine (sp) - the only drug specifically designed to stop contractions but has the unfortunate side effect of decreasing amniotic fluid. But it worked and I promised to stop working and lay on my side for as many weeks as it took to deliver a full term baby.

On Sunday, I was moved to the Antepartum floor for ongoing monitoring until I was allowed to go home. All seemed under control as long as I was on the Indocine. Dave and I fell into a routine and planned for the weeks ahead, promising to take it a day at a time. Then the ultrasound showed the all too expected result of the Indocin....very low amniotic fluid. I was switched back to Nefadepine and given an extended hospital stay until my fluids went back up. That was Monday night.

Hours later, I awoke in contractions worse than any I'd experienced before. I called the nurse. Then Dave, three times until he answered. Something was wrong and I needed him. And for once, my dear procrastinating husband, got his ass in gear in minutes without the luxury of his morning coffee.

Fortunately my doctor was on call and was there within 20 minutes. After a quick check, she verbalized what we both knew. My water broke and this baby was coming now. There was no point, in trying to hold him/her back anymore. Within minutes, I was rushed up to the OR, given a spinal, Dave was at my side and my stomach opened. Fifteen minutes later, I heard a faint cry and Dave cry out, "its a boy." I'd called Dave just an hour and 17 minutes before.

The NICU doctors took over, letting me kiss my son quickly before rushing him out of the room. Dave followed, leaving me to lie back and begin to come to grips with our new reality.