Why me?

You would think there was an epidemic of women going into unexplained preterm labor at 29 weeks gestation. We fill up the pump room at CPMC sharing our stories, all eerily similar. An easy first two trimesters. Minor pain or bleeding that led us to the emergency room. We assumed it was nothing serious and worried more about our jobs than what might happen to our unborn child. We might have spent a night in the maternity ward, our contractions and baby's heart monitored by attentive nurses who kept us in uncomfortable beds padded with eggshell mattresses. We'd receive steroid shots to develop our baby's lungs, just in case. Later, we'd spend time on bedrest at home or in the hospital, fighting off the inevitable until we ended up here, telling each other the same story.

Mostly, we blame ourselves. We thought we could do it all, just like we did before we got pregnant. We wonder if we worked too hard, took on more than we needed to, exercised too much, went out too often, traveled too far and too much, and argued too much with our significant other. We could all point to another woman, just like us, who didn't go into pre term labor. But obviously, it was something, that is wrong with each of us....we know better, but seeing your baby wired up, connected to monitors and feeding tubes, makes you wonder if it was you that put him there instead of kept him safely in your belly for 40 weeks.

Yesterday, I quietly resented the woman in the isolette next to us. Her daughter was fat and on day 1, was already introduced to the breast. Her hospital gown and slipers were clear indicators it was a recent birth and her easy walk made it clear that she did not suffer a C-section. Her husband, unskilled in NICU etiquette, looked on at Miles and commented how small he was, then knocked into Miles isolette with his chair waking him up. Later, I heard the doctor saying she could take her daughter home, right when it was her time to be discharged. I nearly cried in jealousy but managed to offer congratulations. It was then she told me that this was the end of 8 weeks on bedrest, 3 of which had been in the hospital. She'd suffered preclampsia since 28 weeks and just barely made it to 36 weeks, a week shy of full term. We all have our stories and had bedrest worked, that could have easily been me in her shoes.

Miles continues to do well. He met Grandma and Grandpa Hall on Sunday and showed off by doing a downward dog (seriously, the kid pushed his legs straight and his butt in the air - very impressive). Now its just a game of weight and grow until we can take him home. We will start trying breast and bottle feeding in about a week and a half - seeing how much he hates the tube in his mouth, I think he will catch on quickly.